2008 Woodie Awards
Video related to this article is available below.Issue date: 4/9/08 Section: News
*Departures shake up Office of Admissions
Alyssa Aska Schwenked
*This article appeared in the 2008 joke issue.
Jonathan Katzenbach is the most recent of seven senior admissions officials to have left Penn in the last week.
The officers are all reported to have left their jobs with no notice or explanation, said a University official who asked to remain anonymous. The University confirmed the departures yesterday but did not elaborate further.
All of the officials were known to have been close to former Dean of Admissions Lee Stetson, who also resigned abruptly and without explanation in August.
University spokeswoman Lori Doyle refused to comment on the recent departures, saying they were "private and confidential."
A source inside the admissions office said morale had become extremely low in recent weeks, with the low point coming after this year's acceptance rate - almost half a percent higher than last year's - was released last week.
"The seven who left, they were always whispering among themselves," the source said. "But they were always a tight bunch - always [Stetson's] favorites. I've heard them call him 'my lord' before. If you didn't get along with them, you were done."
The source continued to say that the departed officers had often been seen rubbing their forearms as if in pain.
That has led some inside the admissions office to speculate about the true identities of both Stetson and the recently departed officials.
"People are thinking - what if, maybe, he's You-Know-Who and they are his you-know-whats?" one source said.
The reappearance of Lord Voldemort, one of the most fearsome wizards of all time, would certainly cause concern. Once thought defeated by Harry Potter, a prodigious young wizard with a magnificent set of abs and an accent to make even the most respectable girl drop her knickers, Voldemort was known for his compelling power over his followers, his powers of mind- and body-control and his flawless executions.
Sources are now pointing to striking similarities between Stetson and Voldemort, including Stetson's intensive desire to maintain Penn's high selectivity and composition of "worthy" pupils.
Jonathan Katzenbach is the most recent of seven senior admissions officials to have left Penn in the last week.
The officers are all reported to have left their jobs with no notice or explanation, said a University official who asked to remain anonymous. The University confirmed the departures yesterday but did not elaborate further.
All of the officials were known to have been close to former Dean of Admissions Lee Stetson, who also resigned abruptly and without explanation in August.
University spokeswoman Lori Doyle refused to comment on the recent departures, saying they were "private and confidential."
A source inside the admissions office said morale had become extremely low in recent weeks, with the low point coming after this year's acceptance rate - almost half a percent higher than last year's - was released last week.
"The seven who left, they were always whispering among themselves," the source said. "But they were always a tight bunch - always [Stetson's] favorites. I've heard them call him 'my lord' before. If you didn't get along with them, you were done."
The source continued to say that the departed officers had often been seen rubbing their forearms as if in pain.
That has led some inside the admissions office to speculate about the true identities of both Stetson and the recently departed officials.
"People are thinking - what if, maybe, he's You-Know-Who and they are his you-know-whats?" one source said.
The reappearance of Lord Voldemort, one of the most fearsome wizards of all time, would certainly cause concern. Once thought defeated by Harry Potter, a prodigious young wizard with a magnificent set of abs and an accent to make even the most respectable girl drop her knickers, Voldemort was known for his compelling power over his followers, his powers of mind- and body-control and his flawless executions.
Sources are now pointing to striking similarities between Stetson and Voldemort, including Stetson's intensive desire to maintain Penn's high selectivity and composition of "worthy" pupils.
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