2008 Woodie Awards
Video related to this article is available below.Issue date: 3/27/08 Section: News
To hold hands or not to hold hands
For some, religious or cultural circumstances force relationships into secrecy
Jody Pollock
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Kate, a College sophomore, began dating Dan, a University of Charleston sophomore, while still in high school. Still together, their biggest relationship issue isn't that they are long distance - it's that they are a secret.
Early in the romance, Kate, whose name has been changed to protect her anonymity, made one condition: Her parents couldn't know the truth.
Dan is neither Hindu nor Indian - two requirements for romantic partners in Kate's family - and at the time they began seeing each other, Kate wasn't allowed to date at all.
Now, two years later, Kate's parents still have no idea. Meanwhile, her brother and the majority of her hometown, including Dan's family and the local golf club - which Dan, Dan's father and Kate's father all frequent - know about the relationship and keep it secret.
Secret romances like Kate's are difficult to track, but are not uncommon, said Craig Foster, an associate professor at the U.S. Air Force Academy and a co-author of a 2005 study on secret relationships.
Reasons for secrecy can include anything from workplace regulations to age gaps, hidden sexual orientations to cultural concerns.
Sophomores Michelle and Brian, whose names have also been changed to protect their anonymity, have been dating for well over a year, but due to differing racial and religious backgrounds, Michelle has kept Brian a secret from her family.
As a first-generation immigrant, she knows her conservative parents would never approve of the relationship.
If they were to find out about Brian, Michelle expects they would make her transfer to a school closer to home so they could keep an eye on her.
"With secret-keeping, that's the tension," Foster said. "Keeping secrets is a hassle, but revealing secrets can sometimes create bigger problems."
Michelle is constantly worried that the news will get back to her parents through a family friend who also goes to Penn. She and Brian don't go to many parties together and have made conscious efforts in the past to stagger arrival times to the same place. During vacations, Brian said he calls Michelle at home late at night and must be prepared for her to hang up suddenly in the middle of conversations.
Viewing Comments 1 - 8 of 11
Been there
posted 3/27/08 @ 8:06 AM EST
As someone who had been in a long distance relationship for three years and one that was culturally "different" (Indian + Jewish), all I have to say is stop playing games. (Continued…)
McFly
posted 3/27/08 @ 8:06 AM EST
If this girl "Kate" has a dad that reads the DP, he'd totally figure out this was his daughter. Just saying.
McFly
posted 3/27/08 @ 8:08 AM EST
If this girl "Kate" has a dad that reads the DP, he'd totally figure out this was his daughter. Just saying.
Durrr
posted 3/27/08 @ 8:41 AM EST
Wow! What a great article. Thank you for your insightful analysis of a truly profound social issue. I'm sure the Penn community will really appreciate your coverage of relationship problems that affect 0. (Continued…)
What country is this?
posted 3/27/08 @ 9:48 AM EST
If they are US citizens, why are they allowing religion to dictate their rights?
That would be a more interesting article, "Why do some people allow religion to strip them of their human rights?"
Gay Alumn
posted 3/27/08 @ 11:58 AM EST
I'm gay.
This is a situation that just about every same-sex couple has to go through both on campus and in the wider world. The terror is very real, and the couples have my utmost sympathy. (Continued…)
Alum
posted 3/27/08 @ 12:47 PM EST
I wouldn't put it quite as harshly as Been There - I understand that people don't want to hurt their families - but he makes a valid point. At some point, you have to decide how much you value your relationship and take a stand for what makes you happy. (Continued…)
Puritanical Rightwing Nutjob
posted 3/27/08 @ 8:18 PM EST
Good Lord, you're grown men and women (and apparently some individuals of the 'none of the above' persuasion). Defend your personal liberties. Rolling over in the face of unreasonable personal demands is just the first brick paving the path (of least resistance) to Hell. (Continued…)
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